Confidence in progress. Don’t play with me!

I recently went to dinner, and something happened for the first time in my life:

I felt at ease with myself.

Beautiful. Confident. Fyeee. LOL.

Now I know you might be thinking, “Where are you going with this, girl?” But stay with me.

I’ve struggled with self-love for as long as I can remember. Insecure. Uncomfortable in my body. I can’t even tell you exactly why. I’ve just always hated how I looked. And you know what comes with that?

That gotdamn A-word: anxiety.

Years and years of not loving yourself doesn’t just disappear. It lingers. It seeps into everything…… how you dress, how you show up (or don’t), how you move through the world.

Today in therapy (shoutout to my amazing therapist), we talked about how anxiety impacts confidence. And baby, it gets deep.

I’ve always been a skinny, petite girl and I HATED IT. I felt like a walking stick. Nothing ever looked appealing to me on my body. I couldn’t stand my face, even though people always told me I was pretty. Compliments were hard to receive. Like, really hard.

Most days, I didn’t even want to leave the house. Why? Because picking out clothes felt like a war in my head. I had (and still have) so many outfits with tags still on them. My eyes say, buy it. My brain says, you’re not good enough to wear it.

I’d give clothes away before I ever wore them. Sometimes my friends were rocking my wardrobe more than I was.

My goto outfit? Big jeans and a white crop top OR tights and a big shirt. That’s my safe zone. That’s what I wear when I don’t want to feel wrong in my skin.

Anxiety had me thinking people were always staring. Judging. Whispering. I remember whenever I was late to class, I literally would skip till the next period and sit in the bathroom instead of walking in late just to avoid being seen. I’m talking middle school days… high school I would just skip the whole day. And honestly? Nobody probably cared. But anxiety lies like that.

No one really asked why I was so small. The truth is, I used to starve myself. I literally just told my homegirl about this a few weeks ago, because I stayed at her house a lot growing up. I was too scared to eat in front of people, so I wouldn’t. Or I’d take tiny bites, but never really eat. Maybe even make up an excuse as to why I wasn’t eating. And that definitely contributed to my body size physically, mentally, emotionally.

I’m 27 now. And I can finally say it:

I love my body. I love me.

I don’t know exactly when the shift happened, but I’m not questioning it. I pour into myself every day. If you walk into my office, you’ll see sticky notes of affirmations everywhere. I speak life into myself. I correct the negative self-talk when it shows up.

And I ain’t gonna lie the meds help too. 😌 My brain is like on TIGHT right now.

Now I ain’t saying i’m 100%, but i’ve moved into the right direction of being secure with myself. Cus baby I eats like a man lmao. literally and don’t think twice about it.

This isn’t some “I’ve got it all figured out” story. It’s a “I’m learning to love myself in real-time” story.

But for the most part.. she is coming together honey. I’m highly in a “OH OK” phase. I see the growth. I hope you do too.

And if you’re someone who’s ever struggled with how you see yourself just know you’re not alone. Whether it’s big jeans, therapy sessions, sticky notes, or meds whatever it takes to love yourself, do that.

This journey is mine, but it’s for all of us.

As always..

-K🤍

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Song of the week : Masterpiece x Jazmine Sullivan